This week’s column will simply be a 6,000-word love letter to this Sidney Crosby goal against the Buffalo Sabres on Tuesday night.
To properly appreciate this goal, we must go back to the beginning of time and consider how the Big Bang created the molecules that led to the … I’m sorry I’m being told this is the Internet and no one wants to read 6,000 words about anything, even this goal.
Fine. I would like to rank the five Sabres who were on the ice at the time based on how much shame they should feel.
5. Marcus Foligno
You’re getting picked out of the play by a well-placed Justin Schultz. You had to respect him carrying the puck up the ice. Nothing you can do here.
4. Robin Lehner
Buddy, I’ve watched the goal 80 times, and I still can’t believe he got a one-handed shot off on his backhand like that. I don’t know how you could have expected it. It would be like if you were a batter in baseball and the pitcher went from holding the ball behind his back to pitching the ball at 100 mph with his butt. You can’t prepare for that.
3. Ryan O’Reilly
Aren’t you always in the conversation for the Selke Trophy? Why do you seem so surprised by Crosby on this play?
2-1. Zach Bogsian-Josh Gorges
I mean, “defense” is the first part of the word “defenseman,” so what’s happening here?
Why is there so much space between you two? Why are you just as surprised as O’Reilly that the best player in the world is skating through the middle with the puck? Crosby has to be mentioned on the scouting report, right?
Oh yeah. The Penguins won 3-1, clinched a playoff spot, are still in the hunt for the best record in the league, blah blah blah. That goal alone is going to be better than like half the postseason series this year.
Since Jaromir Jagr left the Penguins in 2001, the relationship between him, the team and even fans hasn’t been great. When he returned from the KHL in 2011 and spurned the Penguins for the Philadelphia Flyers, that didn’t help matters much.
Time heals all wounds, apparently, as the Penguins welcomed Jagr last week when the Florida Panthers came to town with a congratulatory video for his being named to the NHL’s top 100 players of all-time list at this year’s All-Star Game.
Jagr received a huge ovation from the Penguins crowd, and he gave them some love in return.
1. If Jagr retires after this season, this confirms my theory that he was only playing long enough to win back the love of Pittsburgh.
2. Can we please stop reminding Evgeni Malkin that he didn’t make this list? First, there’s the announcement. Second, there’s the honoring of the players with ties to the Penguins that made list during the outdoor game at Heinz Field last month, now this. It was so embarrassing for Malkin that he didn’t even play.
Player of the Week
It’s Crosby. I’m not even looking up his numbers from the past seven days. He had a hat trick? Who cares? I just want to show the goal again.
Player of the Weak
It’s Crosby. Yeah, that’s right. I’m calling him out here for being so mean to the Sabres. Why destroy the lives of five men with such callousness? What did they ever do to you? Gorges is a very nice man.
This goal could be evidence shown at Crosby’s trial for murdering the souls of five innocent men.
As a bald man, I think a lot about the hair of others. I’m like Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka, only instead of dreaming about running a candy factory, I dream about having Mike Fisher’s hair. Just for a day. If I had a chance to have that, I wouldn’t steal a single fizzy lifting drink during a tour of Fisher’s house, promise.
But then there’s bad hair, where I’d rather have my naked scalp than what’s out there. This is probably a lie, something I’ve told myself after being held hostage by baldness for years. It’s like I’ve identified with my captor. “Baldness isn’t that bad. I don’t even miss hair.”
And then there’s Nick Bonino’s beard, which, man…
I’m gonna say no. I wouldn’t know how to comb it. I’d last a couple days then just shave it. It’s a better beard than what I can grow, but it’s not head hair.
Now, Joe Thornton’s beard? Get me on the transplant table tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to look like Bob Ross, so Thornton’s beard would get me there.