It seems only fitting that the Eastern Conference Final between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Ottawa Senators is going seven games, because it has already felt like the longest playoff series in NHL history. Between the trapping and reviews and whistles, it makes sense that this series will last as long as possible.
The only thing we know for sure about Game 7 on Thursday night is it will take four overtimes and the winning goal will be decided after an 11-minute review for goaltender interference.
And it will probably be 2-1 or 1-0.
So how should you, the Penguins fan petrified of losing to a team so boring that even its own fans won’t fill the building for a conference final Game 6, prepare for a night that will test both your nerves and ability to stay awake? That’s a great question, because you can never be too careful when getting ready for a Game 7.
What follows is a survival kit for Penguins fans that will be watching the game on TV. If you’re going to the game, you get nothing, because if you’re going to be that close to the epicenter of potential pain, there isn’t much that’s going to help you if the Senators are posing with the Prince of Wales Trophy in your building.
Here is what the rest of you will need:
1. A television
You can’t watch the game on TV without a TV. Or a computer. Or a tablet. Or a phone. From what I hear, millennials are “cord cutters” so they watch shows on things other than a TV.
Scotch, vodka, beer, wine, hard lemonade, Zima. Whatever you can find. It doesn’t hurt to beat the rush and get to the store Wednesday. If you wait until the last second and go Thursday evening, it’s going to look like the grocery store when a huge storm is moving in. All that will be left on the shelves is a six-pack of Old Milwaukee and two stray bottles of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. (Editor’s note: Penguins prefer Bud Ice.)